Ah, Starbursts - the staple of all artificial fruit flavored square-shaped candy products.
Your standard pack of Starbursts come in a painted foil stick. Each nougat of hardened corn-syrup-based paste is shat out and folded up in an individual paper wrapper for maximum environmental impact. There are four separate colors, each representing, in their own words, 'a candy fruit experience'. I do not know what constitutes a candy fruit experience, but if I had to guess, it would not be flavored bits of sugar poo excreted by a metal nozzle and aged into a solid block of stale pastel-colored wax.
Now, I know you probably have a favorite flavor and you're chomping at the bit to email me and tell me which one it is. But rather than do that, please enjoy this nice tall glass of complimentary shut the fuck up. There are only two great flavors, and those flavors are pink and red.
Don't believe me? That's because you're an uncultured cretin with absolutely no taste when it comes to stale, processed glucose cubes. But in case this wasn't enough to convince you, the company that produces starbursts recently realized that the flavors between red and pink could be best described respectively as 'balls', 'ass', and 'boiled toe jam', and promptly switched them all out with variations on the good shit.
BEHOLD, INFIDELS: STARBURSTS FAVEREDS. No longer must our tongues be enslaved to the wretched flavor of orange; no more must we choke down yet another yellow on our way to the glorious pink! The war of the shitty flavors has ended; the victor? Deliciousness!
Onward, stalwart heroes! To the candy stores, where we shall throw down the tyranny of the bourgouise yellow and imperial orange! Raise up your arms, fellow reds! The revolution has arrived! VIVA LA DELICIOUSNESS!
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