Sweet-Tart Squeez: The Grossest Shit I Have Ever Eaten

I want you to to imagine something for me.

I want you to imagine the executive meeting at the Wonka factory where this candy product was suggested.

Picture it in your head: Gaily colored furniture in funny shapes, the smell of sweets lingering in the air; an immense balcony window overseeing the rich and impenetrable forest of gumdrop trees, where the Umpa Lumpas prepare the annual rituals for this season's sugarplum harvest.

Willy Wonka, eyes as cold and impenetrable as the Antartic glaciers, stares down the long table at a man who is trying to sell him flavored goop in a tube.

"So it's basically like a bunch of Carebears pooped out a rainbow into a candy-coated urinal and flushed the result into a toothpaste tube."

"Well, yes, sir. It's something like that--"

"And in order to eat it, children must aim the nozzle at their faces, squeeze, and squirt this fruity-flavored sugar-spiked feces into their mouths."

"Well, I mean, if you want to put it like that--"

"And on top of that, you want to put my face on it. Put my face on a product that tastes like the bottom of a bucket they used to clean out the carnival's cotton candy machine and looks like My Little Pony bukkake."

"I mean, uh--"

Wonka smiles. "What's your name, son?"

"Jenkins, sir. I just thought--"

"Good. Jenkins, I want you to get right on this. Immediately. Push it through the FDA -- bribe whoever you have to bribe. I want to see this on the shelves of every candy retailer before the month is through."

Jenkins leaves, stammering and flustered. Willy Wonka stands, turning to the window that oversees the Umpa Lumpas as they prepare the sacrificial rites.

The harvest would be rich this year. Oh, yes.