Aero and other air bubble chocolate shit

I am a lover of chocolate, and so it really has taken some supreme effort, skill and malicious intent to create a form of chocolate I consider almost inedible. I am talking of course about the chocolate infused with air bubbles, perhaps most notable nestle Aero.

Not only is it made from the lowest quality chocolate, sweetened untill it's essentially a pile of sugar no they also removed large parts of the bar you thought you purchased. Now the half assed argument they give you for this veritable theft is that thus chocolate is supposed to melt in your mouth, which it does, it melts like fucking sand in your mouther, over millions of year due to damn quantum fluctuations. See the greedy director who asked his brown tongued assistants for an excuse to sell less chocolate for more money did not know the most elementary science, that air is a poor conductor and thus isolates heat.

So when you bite into this 'chocolate' the bar crumbles into tiny dry tasteless fragments, making your mouth dry and making you want to spit out this bark you suddenly realize you tried to eat.

I mean I have to give them some slack, maybe they weren't trying to make chocolate, maybe this was some green initiative, trying to make sawdust from something other than trees, maybe they were trying to make chocolate healthier by making you not want it. Maybe, but more likely is this is one of the worst things shameless corporatism have given us in recent decades, and should not legally be allowed the name chocolate. Fuck Aero and shove that air back into your vacous craniums Nestle shitbags.

Have you ever wondered what sugar-glazed strips of paper liberally peppered with crystalized citric acid buckshot tastes like? Wonder no more! Hermetically preserved from a bygone age that existed before replacing 'Ex' with 'X' was a symptom of an acute case of 'The Old', Xtreme Airheads asks the tough questions - like, 'would fly-paper make a tasty treat?', and 'should candy have the consistency of moist cardboard?'.

This candy actually isn't too bad. It comes in two 8-layered strips which you peel off to consume one by one (or two by two if you're daring, like me). Sure, eating it makes you feel like a mongrel dog in the backyard chewing on a bit of leather, but at least the leather is tasty. It isn't the grossest thing I've ever eaten and it doesn't taste like cardboard, so cheers for that.

The standard price-tag of a dollar is a bit hard to justify, though; they try to fool you by cutting it into 16 strips, but keep in mind that they're sliced incredibly thin. Anyway, they're fine when they're cheap, but I wouldn't make them a staple of your candy snackfood regiment.

THE BREAKDOWN
Name: Airhead Xtremes
Flavor: Fruity, with a hint of sour
Arbitrary Value System: I give them four out of six-point-seven FLAVOR-MOOKS!
If I Had To Describe This Candy With As Few Words As Possible: Rainbow Roadkill

Sweet-Tart Squeez: The Grossest Shit I Have Ever Eaten

I want you to to imagine something for me.

I want you to imagine the executive meeting at the Wonka factory where this candy product was suggested.

Picture it in your head: Gaily colored furniture in funny shapes, the smell of sweets lingering in the air; an immense balcony window overseeing the rich and impenetrable forest of gumdrop trees, where the Umpa Lumpas prepare the annual rituals for this season's sugarplum harvest.

Willy Wonka, eyes as cold and impenetrable as the Antartic glaciers, stares down the long table at a man who is trying to sell him flavored goop in a tube.

"So it's basically like a bunch of Carebears pooped out a rainbow into a candy-coated urinal and flushed the result into a toothpaste tube."

"Well, yes, sir. It's something like that--"

"And in order to eat it, children must aim the nozzle at their faces, squeeze, and squirt this fruity-flavored sugar-spiked feces into their mouths."

"Well, I mean, if you want to put it like that--"

"And on top of that, you want to put my face on it. Put my face on a product that tastes like the bottom of a bucket they used to clean out the carnival's cotton candy machine and looks like My Little Pony bukkake."

"I mean, uh--"

Wonka smiles. "What's your name, son?"

"Jenkins, sir. I just thought--"

"Good. Jenkins, I want you to get right on this. Immediately. Push it through the FDA -- bribe whoever you have to bribe. I want to see this on the shelves of every candy retailer before the month is through."

Jenkins leaves, stammering and flustered. Willy Wonka stands, turning to the window that oversees the Umpa Lumpas as they prepare the sacrificial rites.

The harvest would be rich this year. Oh, yes.

Starburst: Communism at its Finest

Ah, Starbursts - the staple of all artificial fruit flavored square-shaped candy products.

Your standard pack of Starbursts come in a painted foil stick. Each nougat of hardened corn-syrup-based paste is shat out and folded up in an individual paper wrapper for maximum environmental impact. There are four separate colors, each representing, in their own words, 'a candy fruit experience'. I do not know what constitutes a candy fruit experience, but if I had to guess, it would not be flavored bits of sugar poo excreted by a metal nozzle and aged into a solid block of stale pastel-colored wax.

Now, I know you probably have a favorite flavor and you're chomping at the bit to email me and tell me which one it is. But rather than do that, please enjoy this nice tall glass of complimentary shut the fuck up. There are only two great flavors, and those flavors are pink and red.

Don't believe me? That's because you're an uncultured cretin with absolutely no taste when it comes to stale, processed glucose cubes. But in case this wasn't enough to convince you, the company that produces starbursts recently realized that the flavors between red and pink could be best described respectively as 'balls', 'ass', and 'boiled toe jam', and promptly switched them all out with variations on the good shit.

BEHOLD, INFIDELS: STARBURSTS FAVEREDS. No longer must our tongues be enslaved to the wretched flavor of orange; no more must we choke down yet another yellow on our way to the glorious pink! The war of the shitty flavors has ended; the victor? Deliciousness!

Onward, stalwart heroes! To the candy stores, where we shall throw down the tyranny of the bourgouise yellow and imperial orange! Raise up your arms, fellow reds! The revolution has arrived! VIVA LA DELICIOUSNESS!

Horrible Candy

Liquorice. You know they say, it's an acquired taste, well I am sure any rat eater will tell you that their disgusting little feet are also quite delicious once you get used to them. Liquorice really has all the signature signs of a food you should not eat. It's black, it's slimy, and to anyone who has not beaten down their bodies reaction to reject this putrid goop it's completely and utterly repulsive.

There is probably no other flavour that can so effectively ruin an otherwise great piece of candy. You bite into some decent enough milk chocolate, but right before you truly feel the great flavour you sense it. A deep acrid sense flowing through your nostrils, there is something amiss here. Something that is not as it should be, and indeed. Some stupid as shit candy maker thought ruining their own survival instinct would not be enough, they wanted to send you to an early death as well and filled the chocolate you thought you would be enjoying with liquorice.

If our world would go barren, the soil be depleted, and after years of starvation there is only one food left in the world, a big steaming pile of liquorice, I would rather break my teeth on salty rocks than devour some of that repulsive imitation manure.

But let us quickly glance into the historical roots of liquorice, how did it come to be? Well I cannot say for certain, but I believe it was during the second world war. Candy was in national demand, yet all the Candy factories were closed. But Stephen Liquor, owner of a shoe factory, needed something to finance his drinking binges. His softer than usual brain produced in a moment of impressive dyslexia liquorice. "You know, Bob?" He said to the bartender at that moment, whose name was not bob, nor anything like it,"You know what would be really delicious, you know what the kids would love? If we boiled our shoes, covered the resulting melted pile in shoe polish and cut it up into bite size pieces. Maybe sell the shoelaces separately. Man I am a fucking genius". Mr Liquor later regurgitated the liquid he had purchased from the bartender, unknowing the taste of his barf would in fact be preferable to that of his newly invented Liquorice.

That is all